Cast The Vision

“Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.” – Pov. 29:18 (King James Version).

Years ago, a very wise couple told me the best advice I could ever receive about parenting. They said to always cast the vision first. In other words, tell your children what is expected and what the consequences would be if they chose to not align themselves with your vision. You do it way before hand, before a situation should arise. I love this concept, because instead of focusing on the negative things that children do, you are focusing on calling out of them what you know they are capable of doing. It is being more focused on the positive than focused on the negative, and any time that you can keep positive momentum going, it will be well with you.

For example: when my children were little, before exiting our vehicle to go into the store, I would cast the vision and it would sound a bit like this – “We are going into the grocery store now. I am buying food for the family. You are to use your inside voice, keep one hand on my basket at all times. And you may not ask me to buy anything for you. I am buying food for the family and that is all. If you take your hand off the basket without permission, if you scream or cry in the grocery store, if you ask me to buy you something, you are choosing to disobey. If you choose to disobey, you are choosing to stay in your room until dinner time. So, if you choose to do the things I have asked, you get to play outside of your room. If you choose to not do the things I have asked, you made the choice to stay in your room until dinner time. Remember, it is your choice and I hope you choose wisely.”

This “vision casting” was done in a calm voice. There is no threatening or intimidation involved. Of course, you would need to change wording to meet different ages, and consequences would have to be the currency of your child. If they love to be by themselves in their room, then this consequence means nothing to them. Every one of my children had different currencies and it took trial and error to find what got each of their attention.

You may ask…did you say this same speech EVERY time you went to the grocery store?

No. I did it a few times, until I saw them get it down. From that point forward, I would just simply say, “Remember, how we act when we are in the grocery store…hands on basket, no asking for things and we use our best behavior, if not, you choose to stay in your room.” Then after a few runs of the short speech, I dropped it all together. Every once in a while, you would need to go back to the “big speech”, if things started to get away from your vision. Parenting is very much like dancing.

It took me awhile to get use to this different parenting style, but over time I became better at it. There is something about expecting the positive out of your children than always correcting the negative. Even us, adults, react better when people tell us what they would like from us rather than what is wrong with us. Positivity will always win over negativity.

Now, let’s say you casted the vision and your sweet little one went ahead and chose badly. This is the part that really liberated me. I hated feeling like the bad guy all the time. Until I was taught this, I was always dealing out punishment every time I turned around. But, when you don’t take away their choice, when you give children the choice to choose bad or good, then all you have to do is enforce the consequence that they chose. If my child asked me to buy him something while in the grocery store, I would say, “I’m so sorry you chose to disobey me. I told you to not ask me to buy anything. I told you that if you chose to ask me then you would have to stay in your room until dinner. I really don’t like that you chose that, because I love seeing you play in the living room with everyone else. Maybe you will choose differently next time.” If there was a protest about it, I would just say, “I know. I really wished you chose differently.” The blame stays in their court.

When enforcing the consequence, it is important to be your child’s best cheerleader. Remember, this isn’t about a battle between them and you. This is about them learning how to make good choices and them owning their own behavior. This is about them learning to control their impulses. This is about raising adults, not children. So when my then 10 year old son made the choice to be confined to his room all day until dinner time, I would pop my head in around 4pm and say, “I’m going to make dinner a little earlier so you can get out of your room as fast as you can. I hate that you made this choice and had to stay in here all day. Maybe next time you will choose differently. As soon as dinner is done, I will let you know.” This sends a strong message to my child that I am on his side and that I am pulling for him.

When I first was trying this new concept out, I would ask my child, “Do you know why you are having to stay in your room?” And he would say, “Yes. Because I chose to ask you for things when I wasn’t suppose too.” Do you know what just happened? He owned his behavior and he owned his consequences. That is huge!!! How much better off would we be as a society if adults would own their behavior and consequences?

You may have noticed by now that the word choice has been used many times in this blog. There is a reason for that. These children, who have been placed in our care for stewarding, are human beings. They were created for choice. When the whole world's stability and destiny rested on man’s choice (Adam and Eve) God still allowed their choice and will to stay intact. He knew that if he took away choice, then he took away freedom. Without choice and freedom, love cannot exist. When we take away choice from our children and demand obedience because we said so…when we take away choice and demand obedience without molding their hearts…we are stepping outside of the realm of love and asking something from our children that God never demanded from Adam in the most dangerous and serious of situations. God created us to not be controlled by anyone, but to learn how to be self-governed.